confessions

I have a very ugly and destructive tendency to compare myself to other people

Right now I couldn't be more thankful for a God that loves me as I am and draws me close to Him right when I need it most...
Tonight a hot bubble bath, some praise and worship music, some tears, and a dusty book off the shelf have me pointed back to the right direction...

A few years ago someone gave me the book Captivating-Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul. I don't think i read much of it before it ended up on the shelf for whatever reason- Tonight-I'm thankful I knew right where it was when the Lord put it on my heart to read...
to be completely transparent- I feel like I will never be good enough, ugly and selfish, lazy, undesirable, and broken.
There are a few quotes that Ill probably type out but at the moment all I can think of is just the truth the Lord whispered to my heart that He is enough. that He loves me as I am, that He created me just as I am and for a purpose, that He suffered and died for my ugly sin and that He wants to free me from that.
We come to Him and He will give us rest..

the words that stuck out to me in the book mainly just made me feel like I'm not alone in my struggles of being a mom, a wife, and a business owner. its hard!
"sometimes its hard to be a woman"-Tammy Wynette

"I know I am not alone in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every woman Ive ever met feels it-something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. an underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time....The result is shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone.... The message to the rest of us-whether from a driven culture or a driven church-is to try harder."

"Your heart as woman is the most important thing about you"

"God created you as woman. 'God created man in his own image.. male and female he created them.' (gen 1:27) Whatever it means to bear God;s image, you do as a woman. female. Tats how and where you bear His image. Your feminine heart has been created with the greatest of all possible dignities- as a reflection of God's own heart. You are a woman to your soul, to the very core of your being. And so the journey to discover what God meant when He created woman in his image- your heart. Another way of saying that is that the journey begins with desire."

"To be desired, ti be pursued by one who loves you, to be someones priority? Most of our addictions was women flare up when we feel that we are not loved or sought after. At some core place, maybe deep within, perhaps hidden or buried in her heart, every woman wants to be seen, wanted, and pursued. We want to be romanced."

"Sometime before the sorrows of life did their best to kill it in us, most young women wanted to be a part of something grand, something important. Before doubt and accusation take hold, most little girls sense that they have a vital role to play, they want to believe there is something in them that is needed and needed desperately."

Pslam 45:11 The Kind is enthralled by your beauty.

The author quotes a song called Beautiful by Bethany Dillon that has always been the cry of my heart
"I want to be beautiful and make you stand in awe. Look inside my heart and be amazed I want to hear you say who I am is quite enough. I just want to be worthy of love and beautiful.

"and its not just the desire for an outward beauty, but more-a desire to be captivating in the depths if who you are."

"A woman yearns to be to be seen, and to be thought of as captivating? We desire to possess a beauty that is worth pursuing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is core to who we truly are. We want beauty that can been seen, beauty that can be felt, beauty that affects others, a beauty all of our own to unveil"

"its about discovering who you already are, as a woman. A woman who at her core was made for romance, made to play an irreplaceable role in a shared adventure, and who really does possess a beauty all her own to unveil. The woman God had in mind when he made Eve... and when he made you. glorious, powerful, and captivating."



Im thinking I may breakaway from facebook for atleast a day and see if it breaks this ugly cycle I'm in. I know only the Holy Spirit can free me and that facebook is a distraction to that-a day also might sound easy to most but considering I work and live on fb its gonna be pretty hard. I say this only so you can give me a hard time if you catch me wasting my life away on that silly thing Monday and/or Tuesday.

humbled

Do you ever have those days when you just realize how unworthy you are... This morning I was reading about His love for us and I just had to stop, confess my sins and just acknowledge how unworthy i am of His love and goodness-it seemes its easy to recognize His goodness and draw close to Him in hard times but me personally-when things are good- I hate to admit that Im not always that great at stopping and praising Him for His blessings when I have done NOTHING to deserve them.
He is so good to us and His love never fails. Im so thankful that He never lets me wonder far but always keeps His loving hand upon me drawing me back when i step out too far. Im so thankful for His unconditional love when i constantly neglect to love Him and others as hes commanded.
Thank you Jesus for your sacrifice. Thank you for Your Word and Your Holy Spirit within us. Thank you for never giving up on me.

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever." Psalm 118:1

"I was pushed back and about to fall, but the Lord helped me. The Lord is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation."Psalm 118:13-14

"You are my God, and I will give you thanks; You are my God, and I will exalt you. Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever." Psalm 118:28-29

Happy New Year!

Wow I cant believe its 2011 already! This year has gone by so fast but it has been an incredible year of growing for me! I made some major changes in my business at the beginning of 2010 and its been amazing to see how God has blessed it and been so faithful to provide!

I just realized its also been a good while since Ive blogged on here- Im looking forward to a new study on Wed. nights that Im sure will lead me to blog more =)
Ive been going through the Power of a Praying Wife the last month or so and its a little more difficult to blog about b/c its my marriage and something I choose not to be so open about for my hubby's sake. but I totally recommend that book!! its a lot more about myself then i realized when I planned to start it which is awesome... its not just me praying for specific areas in my husband it first makes you look at yourself and how you need to change for him before praying that changes be made from him.

2011 is going to be an incredible yr! Im so excited to see what the Lord has in store for us! Theres so many things on my heart that Im praying for and have no clue what is God's plan but I know His plans for me are perfect and loving and the absolute best.
just to name a few... possibly going to Africa for 10 days, trying to get pregnant, wanting to adopt, selling our land and building in Loving TX, etc. lots on my mind that thankfully He takes every day and reassures me all in His perfect timing!

My prayer for you this year is that your desire would be for Him and everything will fall into place!
"Praise the Lord, all you nations; extol Him, all you peoples. For great is His love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever. Praise the Lord. -Psalm 117

For The Love Workshop

wow its been a long time since ive posted on here! been wanting to but you know how that goes... Im on the last chapter of Crazy Love and there was so much in there I wanted to share and then it reminded me that I havent even shared what God has been teaching me from my trip to Oregon for the For The Love Workshop.
I learned so much about making my business my ministry as long as thats what Hes calling me to do as a job- and right now it is- but I know that at any time He could call me to do something else and Im good with that- I dont know that Ive always been able to say this- but He has brought me to a place that I sincerely whole heartedly want to do WHATEVER He would ask me to do-not that it would be easy but I KNOW in my heart and in my mind that wherever He wants me is the absolute perfect place for me-and no plans of mine could ever live up to that..
One of the main focuses at the workshop was of course our photography businesses but it went so much deeper into the fact that we are here wherever we are to love others, to serve others as if serving Christ, to share Him with others and be a light that points others to Him. we spent a lot of time talking about how that is our focus and how we can make our business fit into that as opposed to the typical mindset of 'this is my business, my life, my passion and I really want to put God into it... '
We talked a lot about how all of our business comes from the Lord. He can give abundantly or make it go away in an instance-which is so comforting to me- but also- a challenge to make sure Im honoring Him with every part of it so that He can use my business to glorify Him.
The worship leaders Johnathan and Melissa were so incredible-God brought the perfect match together for this workshop as J &M were previously wedding photographers and knew exactly the thoughts and feelings we were experiencing and God used them to bring us close to Him and speak truth to exactly what we needed. the words to the worship songs they have written spoke so deeply to the thoughts of a photographer.
below are some quotes from either the leaders or the worship songs that I wrote down throughout the week that spoke to me.

The Lord has our plans, our worries, our struggles , our pride, our failures and insecurities

God drive us-our business our future, our life- drive us so we can admire your beauty in all You do.
Ive seen I AM and now I know that I am loved
Christ wants us to be, not what we do
Pictures are not the point-they are the tool. the tool to impact someone for eternity.
Our purpose is to honor Christ-serving and investing in others.

everything God does is creative-He is the Creator. We are creative beings

Be my vision, Be my wisdom
Love through me
Walk on my water-Ill meet you there.
theres no end to the affection that You have for me.

rooted and grounded in love or its out of focus.
Our satisfaction comes from the Lord not in success in business.

Lord grow contentedness in my heart that I dont need all these things

I was made for intimacy.

Thats all pretty random and it probably doesnt make sense- but maybe something will touch your heart as well..
Im challenged to really make my photography a ministry and not a job im trying desperately to be successful at... God's in control of that part and all I need to do is love on people and walk closely with Him.

heres a picture of what our mornings looked like as the fog would rise. beautiful creator

giving

Man- its been a while.... I knew I had been neglecting this blog but I didnt realize it had been over a month-Ill be honest theres been quite a few times that I felt led to do a post but I let work come before time after time! plus- the chapters have been pretty harsh on me- and that naturally makes me want to run and not think about it more than i have to- which is wrong but Im human!
One of the main points that God has been convicting me and challenging me with is the act of giving- not just money but also time and of myself... but the money thing is what gets me the most! Especially this last chapter-chapter 7 titled 'Your Best Life...Later'
I know first hand that God provides more than enough when you trust Him and have only Him to depend on-when Aydin was born Chris changed jobs to be home more-took a 30,000 a yr pay cut and I quit working to stay home! it was tight- but God provided and we got through it and adjusted... Now money isnt so tight and its nice-just being honest- its nice not to have to stress over bills and feel the freedom to buy a toy for Aydin when I see something he would like, or buy me a few more shirts for work purposes without stressing and arguing over not having money to do certain things... its nice!! But I want the DESIRE to choose to help others and give more than I can afford to give to in return have His closeness and miraculous provision when there seems to be no way. I found myself yesterday just giving up on in my head thinking I need to try harder... and just praying for His desire to be put in me- I dont desire those things but I want to desire them... and that desire and ability to do so can only come from Him... its not in me in and of myself- I need Christ to put that desire and give me the ability to give beyond myself.

quotes from Chapter 7
"these people were far from perfect, yet they had faith in God who was able to come through in seemingly dire situations."
"having faith often means doing what others see as crazy."
"Christians today like to play it safe. We want to put ourselves in situations where we are safe 'even if there is no God" But if we truly desire to please God, we cannot live that way. We have to do things that cost us during our life on earth but will be more than worth is in eternity."

"John clearly tells us that 'whoever claims to live in Him must walk as Jesus did' (i john 2:6) Are you ready and willing to make yourself nothing? to take the very nature of a servant.

"I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me."

How would my life change if I actually thought of each person I came into contact with as Christ?

true love requires sacrifice. and our love is shown by how we live our lives. "let us not love with word or tongue but with actions and in truth."

one of the clearest ways we love 'with actions and in truth' is through giving to others.

As we love more genuinely and deeply, giving becomes the obvious and natural response. Taking and keeping for ourselves becomes unattractive and imprudent.

We are loaded down with too many good things, more than we could ever need, while others are desperate for a small loaf. The good things we cling to are more than money; we hoard our resources, our gifts, our time, our families, our friends.

the concept of downsizing so that others might upgrade is biblical, beautiful... and nearly unheard of.

Mal 3:10 Test me in this.. and see if I will not... pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.

give liberally and be ungrudging when you do so, for on this account the Lord your God will bless you in all your work and in all that you undertake. Deut 15:10

God wants us to trust Him with abandon. He wants to show us how He works and cares for us. He wants to be our refuge.

Life is comfortable when you separate yourself from people who are different from you. But God doesnt call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesnt come through.

We are each given different gifts and talents by our master. The thing that matters most is how we use what we have been given, not how much we make or do compared to someone else. What matters is that we spend ourselves.
And now little children, abide in Him, so that when he appears we may have confidence and not shrink from Him in shame at His coming. 1 john 2:28

Lukewarm

Chapter 4 is about searching yourself and asking yourself the tough questions about if you are a lukewarm believer... there are a lot of questions and comments-all being straight from scripture regarding lukewarmness... way too much to type- please go check out this book and dive into it for yourself. if not- hopefully some of these quotes do reach out to you as they have to me!

"Doesn't His courting, luring, pushing, calling and even 'threatening' demonstrate His love? If He didn't do all of that, wouldn't we accuse Him of being unloving in the end, when all things are revealed?"

"The greatest good on this earth is God. Period. God's one goal for us is Himself."

"Do you believe that God is the greatest thing you can experience in this whole world? Do you believe that the Good News is not merely the forgiveness of sins, the guarantee that you wont go to hell, or the promise of life in heaven?"
"The best things in life are gifts from the One who steadfastly loves us. But an important question to ask ourselves is this : Are we in love with God or His stuff?"

"Our love for Him always comes out of His love for us. Do you love this God who is everything, or do you just love everything He gives you? Do you really know and believe that God loves you, individually and personally and intimately? Do you see and know Him as Abba, Father?"

"He persists in loving us with unending, outrageous love. "

"He knew what what he had stumbled upon -the kingdom of heaven- was more valuable than anything he had, so he went for it with everything in him."
"A relationship with God simply cannot grow when money, sins, activities, favorite sports teams, addictions, or commitments are piled on top of it."
"Are you satisfied with being 'godly enough' to get yourself to heaven, or to look good in comparison to others? Or can you say with Paul that you 'want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in death" Phil 3:10

"Would you describe yourself as totally in love with Jesus Christ? Or do the words halfhearted, lukewarm, and partially committed fit better?"
"Lukewarm people call 'radical' what Jesus expected of all His followers."

"Jesus didn't say if you wanted to follow Him you could do it in a lukewarm manner. He said, 'Take up your cross and follow me."

"Jesus asks for everything. But we try to give him less."

Crazy Love of Christ

Crazy Love is such an easy read.. Ive already read 2 chapters since my last post and that's with me taking it slow and meditating on it during my quiet time with the Lord.
so this might be another long post- but I hope you keep reading and if you have already read the book-its still so important to re-read key points that he makes and really meditate on them! that's one reason why I'm thankful for this little blog- typing out my underlined points has been so helpful in remembering what I have read and trying to apply it.

The last of chapter 2 is entitled 'Thank God we are weak'
"If life were stable, I'd never need God's help. Since its not, I reach out to Him regularly. I am thankful for the unknowns and that I don't have control, because it makes me run to God."
"You never know when God is going to take your life. At that moment, theres nothing you can do about it. Are you ready?
"You could be the next person in your family to die, I could be the next person at my church to die. We have to realize it. We have to believe it enough that it changes how we live."

"Friends, we need to stop living selfish lives, forgetful of our God. Our lives here are short, often unexpectedly so, and we can all stand to be reminded of it from time to time. That's why I wrote this chapter, to help us remember that in the movie of life, nothing matters except our King and God. Don't let yourself forget. Soak it in and keep remembering that is is true. He is everything."

Chapter 3- Crazy Love
Just so you realize if you arnt reading the book- I skip a lot of the book... stories he tells that are really powerful are just way too much to type and I'm not good with getting points across... so if you haven't been intrigued yet-hopefully you will soon and go get the book for yourself! =)

"Over time I realized that when we love God, we naturally run to Him-frequently and zealously. Jesus didn't command that we have a regular time with Him each day. Rather, He tells us to 'love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' Matthew 22:37-28
"The results are intimate prayer and study of His word. Our motivation changes from guilt to love.
"After reading Jeremiah 1, I meditated on it for the next four days. It spoke of God's intimate knowledge of me. I had always acknowledged His complete sovereignty over me, but verses 4 and 5 took it to another level 'The word of the Lord came to me saying, 'before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born i set you apart."
"take some time to really think about it God knew you and me before we existed."
"Ephesians 2:10 tells us that we were created 'to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

"My existence was not random, nor was it an accident. God knew who He was creating, and He designed me for a specific work."
"When Jeremiah voices his hesitation and fear, God- the God of the galaxies-reaches out and touches his mouth. Its a gentle and affectionate gesture, something a loving parent would do. Through this illustration I realized that I don't have to worry about not meeting His expectations. God will ensure my success in accordance with His plan, not mine."
"This is the God we serve, the God who knew us before He made us. The God who promises to remain with us and rescue us. The God who loves us and longs for us to love Him back.

"Gods mercy is free, yet costly, gift. It cannot be earned. Our righteous acts, just like menstrual garments, certainly don't help us deserve it. The wages of sin is death. But because of God's mercy, sin is paid for through the death of Jesus Christ, instead of the death of you and me."